Why Is It So Hard to Feed Yourself When You're Feeding Everyone Else?

You can make sure everyone else has eaten and still forget about yourself entirely.

You pack the school lunches. You remind your friend she needs breakfast before her big day. You cut up fruit for the kids, check your partner has something for work and save the last serve of dinner for whoever gets home late. Then you run your own day on coffee and the crusts nobody wanted.

I see this pattern all the time in my clinic, especially with women and especially with mums. And it's one of the trickiest things to shift, because it usually has nothing to do with knowledge.

You already know what you'd tell a friend

A lot of my clients come into a session and tell me they've passed on everything we talked about last time. "I told my sister she needs to be eating lunch." "I made sure my daughter had a proper snack before netball." "I sent my friend that thing you said about breakfast."

Then I ask what they ate that day and there's a pause.

This isn't because they don't understand. They could explain regular eating better than most people. They can see clearly that their friend deserves to eat enough. The information is all there. It just doesn't seem to apply to them.

Why feeding yourself can feel optional

There are usually a few things going on underneath.

Caring for others feels like the "real" job. Feeding kids, partners or ageing parents has a clear purpose and an obvious consequence if it doesn't happen. Feeding yourself can feel like something you'll get to once everyone else is sorted. Which, if you're a parent, is roughly never.

Other people's needs are louder. A hungry toddler lets you know. Your own hunger is quieter, easier to push down and easier to talk yourself out of. Over time it can get harder to notice at all.

Restriction can hide inside busyness. For some people, "I didn't have time" is genuinely true. For others, being busy is a very socially acceptable way to not eat. It can be both at once. It can also be hard to tell the difference from the inside.

There are old messages about deserving. Many of us grew up watching the women around us serve everyone first, eat standing up, skip dessert or talk about being "good". It's easy to absorb the idea that your needs come last, or that eating less is a kind of virtue.

Executive function runs out. If you're autistic or ADHD, or simply stretched thin, there's often nothing left by the time it's your turn. Making a meal for yourself becomes one more demand at the end of a day full of them.

Why it matters (for you and for them)

Running on empty affects everything. It shows up as irritability, poor concentration, low mood, headaches, afternoon crashes and big evening hunger that can tip into feeling out of control around food. Over time it can also be the start of, or part of, disordered eating.

And if you have kids, they're watching. They learn much more from what you do at the table than from anything you tell them. Seeing you eat regularly, enjoy your food and look after your own hunger is one of the most powerful things you can model.

What actually helps

You don't need a whole new plan. Small, practical shifts tend to work better than big intentions.

• Make your plate at the same time as theirs. Not after, not "later". Same time, same table where you can.

• Eat the snack you packed for them, with them. If you're cutting up fruit or making toast for the kids, make yourself some too.

• Stock food for you. Keep a few things in the pantry, fridge, car or handbag that you actually like and don't need to prepare.

• Borrow the words you'd use with a friend. When you catch yourself skipping a meal, ask what you'd say if your best friend told you the same thing.

• Notice the "I'm fine". For a lot of people "I'm fine" really means "I haven't eaten since 7am".

• Let someone else prompt you. Ask your partner or a friend to check in, or set a reminder that goes off when you're making the kids' lunch.

None of this is about being perfect. It's about putting yourself on the list. Not at the top, even. Just on it.

When it might be more than a busy season

Sometimes not feeding yourself is a phase that eases when life calms down. Sometimes it's been going on for years, or it's tangled up with guilt, food rules, body image or feeling out of control around food later in the day.

If that sounds familiar, it's worth getting some support. You don't need to be "sick enough" to deserve it. You can read more about how I work on my eating disorders page, or check fees and Medicare rebates on my appointments page.

I'm a non-diet, weight-inclusive eating disorder dietitian and I see adults (18+) in person in Prahran and online across Australia. If you'd like to talk it through, you can book a session here or email me at hello@cm-nutrition.com.

You're allowed to be one of the people you feed.